Posted by
Christopher Van on Monday, January 26, 2009 6:26:59 AM
Dear President Obama,
It’s been a week and everything is still the same. Where is all the change that you promised? Perhaps it was a campaign slogan or perhaps you just can’t deliver. Whatever it is, I think that perhaps there is a better solution.
As a conservative, otherwise known as a patriot, I had high hopes that perhaps you weren’t the Marxist that some claimed. As an American, I prayed that perhaps you could bring our nation’s political divide to an end. To the contrary, we are now more polarized than ever.
I know that we thought we could work it out, but it just hasn’t happened that way. Our two ideological sides of America cannot, and will not ever agree on what is right, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our separate ways.
We begin by equitably dividing up the country. Certainly we can sit down and come to an agreement on what is fair. Obviously we start by giving you Michigan and Illinois because your fellow liberals have been the model of efficiency in each of those states. Don't worry about the cold, I'm sure your global warming will take care of that. We will take the south since you never really liked us anyway.
After we divvy up the land, the rest should be simple since liberals and conservatives have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them) …
We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, gangbangers, homeboys, hippies, welfare moms, single moms, transvestites and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s, and rednecks. We’ll keep the bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. We’ve got dibs on family values, since you never really cared for them anyway. You can have gay marriage and the pedophiles at NAMBLA.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and destroy any place that threatens our way of life. You can have the peaceniks, and war protesters. Since you don't like Guantanamo Bay, we'll take the property and turn it into a resort. You can have the occupants and maybe give them free room and board in the Lincoln Bedroom. But remember, when they start blowing things up, don't come crying to us because all we'll say is "I told you so". Well also go ahead and keep Israel as an ally and you can start a dialogue with your pals in North Korea, Venezuela and Cuba.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values and In God We Trust on our currency. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, Jane Fonda and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.
We’ll keep English as our official language and you can have Ebonics or whatever it is you’re teaching the younger generation these days. We’ll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you we’ll keep our history, our name, our Constitution and our flag.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWR and 100 offshore oil rigs which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand and Sean Penn
Christopher Van